We think people are way too tight-assed about #2. After all, birds doo it, bees doo it, even educated fleas doo it. . . Oh wait, that song is about falling in love. But our point is, we want folks to relax and have fun dooin’ what comes naturally. It’s a blast!

No way. Smelly Tees are made of heavy 100% cotton that’s as soft as a baby’s butt. We use only Gildan products, the gold standard of T-shirts. The designs are applied using a high-quality silk-screen process, not just heat-stamping like cheap shirts. And the $15.99 price won’t strain your budget.

You can choose from pale gold, dark gold, pink, gray, sky blue, moss green, forest green, and kaka . . . uh, khaki. (Actual colors may vary slightly from your monitor’s display.)

First, find your favorite T-shirt and measure it lengthwise from the top of the shoulder seam and across the chest. If it is:

Long	Wide	It’s a
18	28	Small
20	29	Medium
22	30	Large
24	31	Xtra Large

Order the closest size to be sure of a good fit from your Smelly Tee. (Not all designs available in every size.)

Well, you can just plunge it into a tub with your jeans and sneakers, we suppose. But your Smelly Tee will keep its color and texture for years if you set the water temperature on medium, wash with similarly colored items, use non-chlorine bleach, and tumble-dry at medium heat (it won’t shrink). No color runs, either.

Here’s a tip to keep the design fresh and brilliant for the life of the shirt. Before washing, turn the shirt inside out, so the silk-screening won’t rub against other items in the washer. You can touch up the shirt with an iron after it comes out of the dryer, but don’t apply heat directly to the design.

Nope. He was a plumber in England in the mid-1800s, but he didn’t invent the porcelain palace we cherish and revere. He did make some improvements to the flushing mechanism, though.

No one really knows. Flush toilets were common features in homes as far back as the 26th century BCE in the Indus Valley (modern Pakistan and Western India). Later civilizations including the ancient Minoans and Romans had some form of flushing toilets, too. Queen Elizabeth I refused to use one invented for her because it was too noisy.

That’s been around for ages, too. An ancient Chinese scholar around 589 BCE is said to have expressed reluctance to use inscribed scraps of paper for cleansing purposes because someone might want to read them. (Guess we shouldn’t be surprised that people have been using loos as libraries for ages.) Modern perforated toilet paper rolls appeared in the late 19th century, replacing newspapers and catalogs in the outhouse. In areas without running water, people have wiped with sticks, leaves, sand, even corncobs (yeow!).

Fifty, give or take (depending on your willingness to stretch a groaner). See if you can find them all. No prize, just the satisfaction of knowing you’re as fixated as we are.